Okay, first of all, things have been pretty normal between me and my husband lately. I’m crying less now compared to Jan and Feb. He seems to be back to his old self, helping me with the chores even. That could just be his guilt though. I mean, from the day we got married up until the day he cheated, that man barely touched anything in the kitchen. So, seeing him washing the dishes or just doing any chore is mind-blowing for me. Is he plotting my murder or something?
If it were me who’s unfaithful, I don’t think my husband will show me the same level of understanding that I’m giving him. He might even hurt me physically if I did that to him. I think he’s capable of doing that when he’s really angry.
Something happened about a year ago that I’m keeping from my family. There was one time he asked me to meet his family for dinner and I didn’t feel like going. I wasn’t stopping him from leaving without me, I simply requested to be excluded from that one particular dinner.
He snapped like it was a fucking big deal and grabbed one of those heavy cooling gel memory foam pillows and furiously threw it onto the side of my face. I was sitting close to the wall and I wasn’t looking at him when he did that so without any resistance from my upper body, the left side of my head bumped the wall.
There’s no blood or concussion, so no worries. And being raised in a household where I experienced being slapped with a hardback book, this was nothing. I simply wasn’t expecting my husband to overreact over something so shallow.
Of course, I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing, but even crazier was he still hoped I would stop crying and compose myself so we can go to that fucking family dinner like nothing happened. For the record, it wasn’t Christmas or New Year or someone’s birthday.
I’ve never seen him act like that towards me since the day we met. If he asked nicely that he needed me to be there because he’s uncomfortable or whatever, I would have forced myself to go. But instead, he went berserk. That was the first time I thought about walking away from my marriage. In the end, he apologized and went to that dinner without me.
And then I realized, it was the first time I ever said NO to my husband. Our relationship has always been either we both want the same thing, or he gets his way. I wouldn’t know for sure but I imagine, if I were to do something seriously maddening like cheating, for example, my husband could possibly hurt me physically.
When I write things out like this, it may look like my husband is a mentally unstable, abusive, manipulative person and I’m the victim here all the time. That’s not the case but I’m not defending his wrongdoings either. I’m still open to the possibility of ending our marriage if he gets physical in our arguments again or if he cheats one more time.
I know this is going to sound stupid to some people but the severity of his two seemingly serious acts is nothing compared to what truly evil spouses do. He didn’t punch me in the face, he threw a pillow. And he didn’t even have sex with the other woman he was interested in. My man sent her a dumb email.
We’ve known each other for almost 13 years, our marriage is going on 8 this year. And in that period of time, he only did two things that I consider as major blows to our marriage. To be honest, if I tell my 20-year-old self about my marital challenges, she’d be like “Woman, you fucked up. Get out of there.”. But what does she know about commitment?
It’s very easy to tell someone else to just leave a seemingly troubled relationship, right? I was guilty of doing that to other people. But when bad things happened in my marriage, it turns out walking away is not that easy. Not just on paper but the living situation in general. I finally understood why our mothers did not or could not give up on our cheating fathers.
Marriage is not for everyone. Maybe not even for me, I don’t know what the future holds. We could become better versions of ourselves with a solid marriage. Or we could end up hurting each other to the point where it becomes unbearable. And perhaps we may even find ourselves happier apart than together.
For now, I think our marriage is worth another go based on the changes in my husband’s attitude towards me, especially during disagreements. Yeah, we’ve had a few already.
I’ll try to hold on to what we have for as long as I can.
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