Today felt like a good day to restart blogging again after several months of hiatus. I don’t know exactly how to cram everything that transpired over the course of 8 months so I’ll just wing it as usual. Weird coincidence though, as soon as I logged in, a power surge happened. Maybe my sleep paralysis demon got too excited that I’m back to posting life update(s) no human wants.
Life update: Eight
Okay, so I’ll try to make sense of what happened after my last post in November 2020. Christmas of 2020 was just me and my husband at home, had take-out food because I didn’t want to cook. And then come January 2021 until May, it’s pretty much routine – daily grind and nothing else. We had a quick drive around our neighborhood after over a year of not going out in June. And then last month, we went to the dentist, had our pearly whites cleaned. Living our best lives with a capital M-U-N-D-A-N-E.
Life update: Beerus
I haven’t been following the news around our President lately but that’s how he says “virus” in public speeches. Same two syllables I guess. We are scheduled for another lockdown this month due to the Delta variant, which sucks. I haven’t even been vaccinated for season 1 of the “beerus” yet here we are again. ISTG, the only two things that keep me from completely dying inside are food deliveries and online shopping.
Life update: Love
Seriously though, what is love? We’re 9 years in and possibly staying together for many more but I don’t think love is the reason why I’m still in this relationship.
December 2019 was one of the most dramatic circumstances in my life. My multiverse definitely split the moment my husband opened his mouth and said, “Parang gusto ko nang makipaghiwalay…“. I can only recall fragments of our conversation, but that first sentence really tattooed itself in my brain. He even started it with our term of endearment and then boom.
Like I said in one of my older posts, after a long talk, he ended up changing his mind and I felt relieved. Although I know things aren’t going to be the same with us again, especially how I see my husband. To this day, I still have trust issues. I used to pay no attention to his laptop usage or when he spends a lot of time looking at his phone, but now I’m bothered.
I’m not a mind reader, so I don’t know what my husband was thinking before, during, and after his wildness in 2019. All I know is he somehow felt that choosing me again makes sense. Sometimes, out of the blue, I ask him, “Are you sure you want us to stay married?”, and he says yes every time.
I am 100% painfully honest with my husband about how I feel. That I’ve slowly fallen out of love way before his cheating because of the way he’s been treating me. I’m exhausted. Still, after admitting all this to him, he wants us to stay together. I’m aware that it sounds like he’s the only one who wants this relationship to keep going and there’s some truth to that.
Life update: Limbo
So why am I still here? Not sure, I might be waiting for something. I tried to assess myself and here are some of my thoughts:
- Waiting for the pandemic to end so I can make a clear decision if I want to regain independence and where to go. Eliminating the possibility that my internal chaos is simply due to the Covid-19 situation;
- Waiting for my husband to achieve his short-term personal goals to see if he’s just using me to stay afloat at this time. He’s not yet broke, got some savings and investments but is currently jobless by choice (midlife crisis?);
- Waiting for myself to heal from the heartbreak that my husband caused. I wish I could trust him again like I used to;
I’ve changed. I used to have a great deal of tolerance for my husband’s quirks before he cheated on me. He’s four years my senior so I guess I looked up to him too. But now, whenever he does anything mildly annoying, I’m thinking about leaving this Oppa. What if I didn’t give this guy another chance? Will I be happier?