It has been two months since the fuckening (i.e. marriage almost ended), and things seem to be going well between me and my husband. But since I’m the one who got cheated on, I still have my doubts. I am far from being 100% okay with us acting normal as if nothing happened. To be honest, I feel defeated. Maybe I’m not a good, forgiving person after all.
Played
My husband broke me. I have a copy of the love email he sent to the other girl and something written there still has me feeling restless to this day. He told her that for an entire year leading up to the day he sent that email, we were unhappy and he’s been thinking about filing an annulment. I don’t know if he just said that to make the other girl feel that she had nothing to do with his decision or if that was a low-key invitation that as soon as he gets rid of me, she can take my place. Either way, he’s a giant asshole for saying that.
Does that mean for a solid year, all the good times we had were fake? Also, he emailed her on a Saturday morning while we were both at home. We even went out the next day to buy groceries. So you can just imagine my disbelief when he opened up the annulment topic on Monday night.
Stranger
It felt like after spending years with this guy, I still don’t know him. Anyone who went through the breakup talk, regardless of the outcome, will understand what I’m talking about. It’s like waking up from a spell. Who the fuck is this person? Has he always been like this? How did we end up in this situation? Should I cry? Scream? Pack my bags without a word and just leave?
Two months. He has only known and worked with that woman for two months and she got my husband thinking about annulment, dating, and making babies. Two months can put a dent in a 12-year relationship. Life is beautiful, isn’t it?
Unfortunately for him, the girl didn’t respond. Or maybe she did, but my husband kept it from me. Is she just waiting for a confirmation that our marriage is finally over so she can make a move with a clear conscience?
That’s the reason why I feel defeated. It’s like my husband simply had no choice but to work things out with me to save face because the other woman ghosted him.
Trapped
There is no divorce in my country. To be honest, if a divorce is an option and he handed me the papers that night, I would have signed it. Sure, I’d still cry a little but I’ll get over the hurt eventually.
But, that’s not how it works here. Marriage is a trap in my country – easy to get in, hard to get out. I’ve seen worse cases of infidelity around me. Even my own father was unfaithful with my mother more than once, yet they are still together.
Annulment is plain stupid. Even the meaning of the word is a joke. Treating marriage as “invalid from the beginning almost as if it had never taken place” does not make sense.
Doubt
I wish some radioactive pig bites me in the ass to give me the superpower of knowing if someone is being truthful or not. My husband is acting lovey-dovey and I’m not completely buying it.
Tell me this isn’t weird. His final words on the night of the fuckening were “I just remembered why I love you.”. And then he hugged me and cried. My face, as he was doing that, was pure “WTF just happened, so you’re telling me, you forgot? How is that possible?”.
I was already talking to my siblings about our decision to start the annulment process this year. One of my sisters even offered to help me move out. So you can imagine my surprise, yet again, when my husband retracted his annulment challenge.
Some more weirdness was how body-shaming me while suspecting that I was having an affair made sense to him. If I’m fugly, then why would any other man want me?
And then there’s his justification that he cheated because he felt that I don’t love him anymore. This guy was sent on this earth to test me. That I know for sure.
I hope someday I can move on from this episode and fully trust my husband again. But at the moment I see him as a little pet snake that bit me and now suspiciously acting all nice and sweet.
Relationships are hard, kids.
