2019 is a bitch but did I die?

Here I am, alone in a hotel room somewhere. Mr. Mister is out and about with his friends from high school so I’m going to take advantage of my official “me time” for this year. I gotta say, this month has been a real test of my sanity. I have things I need to get off my chest that I only feel comfortable sharing with the internets.

7-year itch

Previously, I mentioned that my husband never jokes about ending our marriage as I do. Even before getting married, never did he utter anything about ending our relationship. You can only imagine my disbelief when earlier this month, he opened up a conversation about us getting an annulment.

Monday night, I was working when he casually called my attention and said, “…I think we should go our separate ways.”. I had to ask again since I was busy with work and not really paying attention. He repeated himself and added that he felt like our marriage isn’t working out and we should probably consider having our marriage annulled. The guy also admitted being attracted to another woman.

I had to end my shift early because of this. We’ve known each other for over 10 years (married for 7) and infidelity wasn’t a cause of any of our fights. I never thought this would happen to me, us. I didn’t know how to act. There were no tears from either of us at first, plus it took a while for me to process my emotions. I started with three questions:

  1. Why? (This is where he admitted his attraction with a much younger woman among other things.)
  2. Is she pregnant? (No.)
  3. Did something happen between you two? (No.)

Fuck it

I would have walked away if he got the girl pregnant, but they were not even in a relationship yet, let alone had sex. Although he confessed his feelings for her, including his plans for an annulment, a few days prior to us having “the talk”. He felt more comfortable opening up to a woman he’s only known for two months instead of me. If I’m being honest, that part was the most hurtful in this ordeal. A close second was when I asked him if he loves her, and he said, “I think so.”.

Also, for the longest time, we agreed about not having kids due to several reasons (that I’d probably talk about in another post). And then out of the blue, this woman got him thinking about making babies. What. The. Fuck. At that moment, I thought if this is really the end then what’s stopping me from being angry with him and the situation we’re in. God help me, I don’t want to attack men, but after listening to everything he had to say, he was thinking with his penis.

Simply put, he wants some fuck but I don’t seem to give a fuck. Good Lord, I don’t even go to church but are all heterosexual males born this way? Out of curiosity, I asked him what he liked about her and he said: her voice, clear skin, butt, and according to him, she excels at work. Although, he admitted I was prettier when I was her age. Yep, the other girl is much younger than me. Disgusting.

WTF just happened

The entire situation was so freaking ridiculous, I cannot believe it actually happened. Spoiler alert: we’re still together. He started with big dick energy and cried in the end. I have no idea what specifically made him cry. All I did that night was talk. I didn’t hold anything back with my thoughts from the day we met up to that moment. I guess it’s my brutal honesty that destroyed his penis mindset. The thought of starting over scares me but it’s not like I’m going to die if my marriage ends. We’re okay now though I made it clear that should this happen again, it’s definitely over between us.

He has no history of cheating (that I know of) which is why giving him another chance makes sense to me. I’ve read the actual emails he sent to the other woman and they were mildly insulting and confusing as shit. To summarize, my husband’s first email was to confess his intentions and ask if she feels anything for him. His second email was to let her know that we still love each other and decided to stay together. She did not respond to either of those, which could mean all sorts of things. I wish she replies whenever she gets her feelings sorted.

Truth

I still don’t fully trust my husband. Honestly, I don’t think I can anymore. I cannot get over his reasoning that he did what he did just because he felt unloved and I need to change for the better. I wasn’t ecstatic all the time about our marriage but I didn’t turn to other men FFS. He’s selfish and greedy and he knows it. At the back of my mind, I’m paranoid as to when the next fuck up is going to happen.

Anyway, he wants to stay married acting like nothing happened, fine I guess. But I’m scarred for life. Sometimes, I can’t help but miss being single and free. You know what, we’ll see how it goes.

To all cheaters or soon to be cheaters, fuck y’all.

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